The cycle

Here I am sitting in front of an empty screen, trying not to think negative. You know its funny when you try your best to think positive and every thing around you isn't making it easier. I have been told over and over again that whatever is bound to impact you and others, is also very very hard to reach. That doesn't mean its not reachable that just means its a damn hard climb. I have been thinking positive for the past couple of months. I went into the studio recorded some tracks, and now I have a whole album, finished, finito, done, khalas, over. I am content with it the way it is, I know its not perfect, I know its not the best, I know I have flaws, but I am content with releasing it the way it is. Sometimes its the imperfections in life that stand out and strike people as being talented. However, there always is a however, isn't there?

Getting to the studio for the right cause, was a struggle in its self, it all started with a man that heard me talk about how I love music, and how my soul is calling for this to be done. I was 17 when I discovered this about myself. This being my love for music, my calling as they say. I had a hook up with some friends of mine, they brought me to a studio and I was ready to start recording, right then and there. I could have easily been drawn to the party,drinking, and drugs way of life. Looking back at that now, it feels like I'm describing a path I could have taken, I wonder where I would be now if I had steered towards that direction. I probably wouldn't be here right now, with a wife and two amazing boys. I probably wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now.

During those times I was your typical boy, rapping about platinum chains, fancy cars and material crap. What would have made me different from anyone else, if I would have kept my lyrics at that level? I wonder.

Even when my lyrics weren't good, I kept going at it. Not with a sense of cockiness, or a sense of " I think I am the best", No not at all. But with a sense of receiving a gift and not being able to let go of it . I was living and breathing feeling guilty. Guilty that I knew I can achieve this dream, I knew I can get better. I knew it was possible, but I was dismissing that, because I was so consumed with failure, and with worldly matters. I stopped trying, because I was scared and because of the circumstances life threw at me.

I didnt have money to go into a studio, I didn't have the skills to make my own beats. I was basically stuck in a rut. A rut I put myself in, and had no idea how to get out of.

The man that I spoke to about my struggle and love for music, informed me that music can be used in a good way. Not only can it be used to corrupt minds, but it can also be used to better minds. The fact that music can be used towards bettering people, appealed to me. I was drawn to the fact that it can be done, but I would have to learn more about this so called good part of music.

Besides these Islamic singers are all so boring and lame, and I would never listen to the stuff that's out there by Muslim singers. How would my friends, nephews and cousins and people in my generation listen to something as boring as Islamic songs. I had this certain way of thinking, when it came to religious songs. I even felt bad for not being a fan of Islamic music, I wanted to but couldn't get into it. Why was that? Maybe it was the beat, maybe it was the words, maybe it was the fact that it didn't relate to what I was going through as a Young Muslim man in the states.

I sort of felt guilty for wanting to convince myself that it wasn't appealing, but it really wasn't appealing at that time. Its not like I was an atheist at the time, of course I was born into Islam, so I considered myself a Muslim. However, I was just Muslim by name. I would get close to Islam, then get further away from it. It was a cycle, a cycle that lasted through the 90's.